it's 2.34am.
to those who care,
i'll be fine.
don't worry.
coussie, tingy, dee, , bobby, melmi, jinmay, michelle, tiff, cheryl, adeline, hui hui, regina, chantel, joleen, qihui, and many others.
really appreciate everything you all have done for me.
be it buying of stuff, making of things, encouraging msgs, etc.
thanks for showing that you care.
thanks for helping me to fill up that gaping hole i have in me.
thanks for being there.
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projects are a killer.
spent an extremely long period of time trying to do ITBD poster today.
i seriously don't know what happened to me.
but using microsoft words, powerpoint and paint seems to much more harder.
i kept asking dee how to do this or that,
or where to find certain buttons.
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eventually,
i was kinda proud with the poster that i've completed.
but,
i guess it's far too lousy to be used.
lots of amendments have to be made.
i felt so lousy.
it's just a bloody poster.
and yet i can't do it properly.
i'm a loser,
and a failure in life.
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i can't accept criticsms.
i hate myself.
it's just a stupid poster...
just a poster......
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currently stuck with DLE project.
we have to do up a corner tomorrow.
the theme is bakery.
i thought of the theme.
just completed the chart.
after finishing it,
i realised that i took 3 hours to do something that is so simple.
why?
it's just a stupid chart.
one stupid bloody chart.
and it took me 3 hours.
why?
told you,
i'm a loser,
and a failure in life.
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while doing the chart,
i kept thinking.
what's gonna happen if i die?
how's everyone gonna react?
will it even matter?
does my presence even matter?
guess not.
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going back to making my biscuits now.
so sorry to all my groupmates.
it's your misfortune to have me as your group member.
it's your mishap to work with me.
i'll try my best.
please accept me for being a loser,
and a failure in life.

miserable nights

the world's no longer the same

tags replied:

hui hui : yup thanks.

jin may : love you too.

yan zong : yupp thanks.

ghost : i know. thanks.

xueryl : yupp. don't worry. thanks for your concern.

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13 common symptoms of depression

you can’t sleep or you sleep too much

it's either lying in bed awake till the next morning,

or falling asleep at 11pm until noon.

you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult

piano playing has become more difficult...

can't seem to complete a song.

can't focus on reading,

be it books or school work..

just can't seem to keep my eyes on the words.

you feel hopeless and helpless

kinda hate my existence.

feel that i'm useless.

nothing seems to make me feel better.

you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try

seriously cannot control..

destroy stuff to vent my anger,

pull my own hair,

pinch myself,

scratch myself,

slapped myself when i saw my reflection.......

you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating

it either no appetite the whole day,

or weird and sudden food cravings.

you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual

take my anger out on people..

hence would rather be left alone.

irritated very easily.

get angry over the slightest things.

break combs and pencils to vent my anger.

you have thoughts that life is not worth living

feel that it's so tiring to continue on with life.

pop pills to make myself sleep,

but end up staying awake the whole night.

you tear frequently and cry for no reason

sudden flow of tears while taking a bus ride

sudden crying when i'm trying to fall asleep.

cry over matters which i won't bother in the past.

you feel a loss of energy

Feeling fatigued and physically drained.

Even small tasks are exhausting or take longer.

tired the whole day but yet unable to sleep at night.

you withdraw yourself from certain friends and family

don't wish to talk much to school friends anymore.

quite cold to certain people at times.

but yet i'm still quite normal to lovelies like may, cheryl and tiff.

you self-loath

Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt.

hates my reflection.

Harsh criticism on myself of perceived faults and mistakes.

hated myself for not being able to remember to bring or do certain things...

you do things that you loath
picked up bad habits which i used to dislike.

wants to punish myself by doing things i hate.

you find pleasure in self inflicted pain

loves the way my skin reddens after pinching.

loves the way my head throbs after pulling my hair.

loves the stinging sensation on my cheek after the slap.

way to go,

clarabel low.

you got 13 out of 13

that's full marks.

keep it up.

(:

when you're down and out,

i tried to be there for you.

i tried to put that smile back on your face.

be it buying things,

being silly,

etc.

now that i'm feeling so miserable,

will you be there for me?

i guess not

tags replied :

ghost : yah right. i know who you are. (:

yan zong : yupp. agreed.

wei han : haha. yea. jams in the mornings are killers.

xuerly : love you! (:

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it feels so good to have someone there with you when you need it.

thanks cheryl,

really thanks.

thanks for buying me so many things when i'm down and out.

thanks for accompanying me whenever i need that lsitening ear

thanks for being there to listen to my rantings

thanks for making me tell you what happened otherwise you'll bang at my house door

and thanks,

for being part of my life.

and plus,

a bottle of perfume that you bought.

she bought a bottle for me and one for herself.

so we can wear the same fragrance and ask our boyfriends to find us by smelling.

thanks cheryl.

(:

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things are kinda sucky now.

thanks may,

for accompanying me yesterday and today.

because of you,

i managed to burst out laughing at your house just now.

and thanks for calling to check on me.

thanks alot may.

really appreciated.

(:

thanks bobby

for having this "telepathy" kinda thing.

and checking on me whenever you sense that i'm not okay.

and it always come true.

:/

and you made me swear not to pop pills to make myself sleep,

otherwise something bad will happen to you..........

thanks bobby.

thanks tingie my dear sister.

thanks for hugging me when i cried.

thanks for patting on my back to show me that you're there for me.

thanks coussie for being there.

trying to cheer me up,

and calling me when i'm down.

thanks coussie.

loves.

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thanks everyone,

who cared.

withdrawing into self destruction

why is it so,

that the girls around me have to be hurt by guys?

why is it so,

that love is something so magical,

yet cruel at the same time?

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these few days are a disaster.

days are spent consoling them,

and trying to cheer them up.

they are suffering indeed.

but yet,

i can't do anything to make them feel better.

the only thing i can provide,

is a listening ear,

and letting them know that i'm there for them.

girls,

stay strong.

you'll get through it.

i'll be with you all.

though i really can't do much,

but i'm really willing to take the pain if i can.

to T

you are the closeset friend i have in poly

many things have happened

we're not as close as before anymore

but,

i don't wanna see you sad.

though you haven't told me the full story yet,

but i feel that you're upset and hurt.

i don't like to see you like that.

nevertheless,

i'm here for you.

do update me soon.

loves

to C

sorry for not being able to meet you today.

i hope you're feeling better after our long talking session yesterday night.

never expected we would have so much to talk about,

and so many things to share.

my dear,

having to endure so many lies over and over again is very difficult.

in fact,

i admire you for your patience.

i know you're at a loss of what to do.

but i'm sure you'll get through it.

and things will return to it's happy state like once before.

i'll be there for you,

as long as it's within my abilities.

take care and cheer up.

loves

to A

dear girl,

it pains me the most to see you like this.

it's a tough patch that you're going through now.

even without seeing you,

i can imagine how devastated you feel.

i really wish to be able to be there for you right now.

letting go would be the best choice.

but even if you decide to pursue,

i'll be there with you,

to give you the support that you need.

i'm really worried about you.

yet i feel so helpless.

cos i can't take away any fraction of the pain you have with you.

be strong.

remember what i said about your suicidal thoughts.

it's a big nonono.

i'm just a phone call away.

loves.

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isn't it devastating,

to be able to do nothing but to listen?

to be able to listen but not help?

if you need me,

i'll be there.

as long as it's within my abilities,

i'll do whatever it takes to make you feel better.

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girls,

be strong.

be brave.

we'll get through this together.

may there be no more tears,

no more sorrows,

no more broken hearts.

no more pain,

no more agony,

no more grief.

may there always be sunshine

may there always be blue sky

------------------------------

i'm always here for you

tags replied

hui hui : hahaha! whatever lah you. attachment's in 2 days time. ):

ghost : hahaha! i know who you are. _ _ _. right? :P

school's in today

woke up,

bathed,

walked to interchange.

i'm always in a rush.

because i just can't seem to wake up earlier so that i can take my own sweet time.

thus,

i have to walk really fast every morning.

and lady gaga would be my best friend!

cos i would listen to " just dance " and "poker face"

and walk according to the beat

and it results in me keeping a fast pace to reach the interchange!

:D

sounds quite stupid

but it works for me!

usually,

i'll board the shuttle bus,

and reach school around 8.30 for my 9am lesson.

today,

there was this massive jam along PIE

the bus was moving so slowly,

that i think everybody on the bus would rather alight and walk by ourselves.

hence,

the driver,

was also irritated

so he decided to turn into the exit to balestier

i had no single clue where i am.

and finally,

after a period of time,

i saw a place that i recognised!

it was........

orchard road.

-.-

fancy being in orchard road at 8.50am when your class starts at 9!

oh well

alot of people were caught in the terrible jam too.

so it's alright.

reached the classroom around 9 plus

we had to do research on our essay on finding nemo.

we had to reaserch on the reasons for single-parent families in singapore

ting yun sat beside me

and both of us ended up laughing at the funny things we found.

we were trying to look for divorce rates in singapore

and many funny things came out.

such as :

"9 ways to see if your spouse is cheating on you"

"common excuses for divorce"

"what must i do wrongly before i am applicable to apply for a divorce? "

"you can apply for a divorce if you can't stand the behaviour of your spouse"

etc.

ting yun then told me that some people used really weird excuse for applying a divorce.

for example :

"i can't stand the way my spouse squeeze the toothpaste"

i laughed till my tears nearly came out.

the divorce statistics in singapore were said to be 10%

-.-

how can it be 10% only?

out of the 4 of us sitting together,

all of us came from single-parent / divorced families.

so how can it be 10% only?

-.-

nevermind

so we zoomed in to pre-marital sex that leads to children having single-parent families.

nat who was sitting in front then told us that 50% of american teenagers get pregnant

which amounts to about 1 million teens getting pregnant every year

we were stunned

then i said:

"wah. then if you suay suay kena, and your mum kicks up a big fuss, just tell her : hey mum, i'm part of the one in a million statistics. no big deal!"

i think the mother will just coma immediately

HAHA

anyway,

after a great laughing session,

class ended and we headed down to makan place for our lunch.

chantel and i finally got our mushroomssssssssssssssssss

but,

it wasn't as nice as before

after that,

chantel received a msg,

telling us that,

ITBD LECTURE WAS CANCELLED!!!!!!!!!

we squealed and clapped and hi-fived like some crazy group of girls who has just struck the lottery of one million dollars!

hahaha

you see,

our break is at 12.

and our lecture starts at 4.

so this gives us a stupid 4 hour break every monday

which will definitely bore the shit out of anyone.

thus,

we get to go home early today

so super happy!

(:

we bought ice-cream to celebrate!

okay.

after that,

bused home.

tingy wants fries

to i went to 201 to get a packet of fries for her

after that,

while i was walking home,

it was raining and the wind was damn strong.

i was at my house void deck

so i was walking against the wind.

and to my horror,

i realised that i'm not moving at all

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in fact,

i had difficulties standing still.

the banglas stared at me

they were obvious amused by what they are seeing

-.-

i felt so embarrased.

i even have to hide behind the stupid wall to wait for the stupid wind to finish blowing before i can walk home.

how retarded is this?

managed to reach home after quite some time.

rested awhile,

and played the piano.

i just love playing the piano on a rainy day.

emotions would seem to portray naturally.

and i feel like i'm part of the music.

the effect that the raindrops have is simply amazing.

the piano is the only thing that allows me to express my feelings.

i don't know how to describe it.

perhaps,

it has became an important part of my life.

and it's a skill that i definitely do not wish to lose.

piano portrays perfection

some pictures on what i've been up to.

sushi making for my family for dinner.
:D
they like it.
dee dee liked it too. (:

monday
went to the doctors'.
dee was sick too.
so we went to see the doctor together.
both of us had to wear masks cos we got flu
doctor gave me 2 days mc.

thursday
convention centre underpass was selling cute stuff
bought gummies for dee and tingy

went to TP to camp for dee after school.
:P
passed him the gummies before going home.

Friday was mentioned in my earlier post.

Saturday was stoning at home.

TODAY (:
had to go to the science centre for FM project.
dee accompanied me there today.
train rides are especially fast with him.

reached jurong east
tried to find our way
found it and went to the science centre!
i'm suppose to take pictures of the eco garden and stuff
but it started to rain
):

toured the place,
was really really fascinated with many things there.
dee laughed at the way i stare at things when i'm fascinated.

this stupid thing is a fish!
how can i not stare?
it's so unbelievable.

after awhile,
the rain stopped a little
went to the eco garden to snap a few pictures before the rain came back!

i think this is pretty. (:

continued with our exploring
dee tried to be funny!


oh.
then we tried this stupid thing.
it's like,
you have to hit something with a hammar,
and something will "spark off" with the impact,
and the harder you hit,
the higher it goes?

the kid in front of me tried,
and his wass about 46
when it was my turn,
i hit it with all my might.
goodness
i actually lost to a kid
cos mine was only 30 plus.
dee tried,
and he managed to get 126.
-.-
am i a loser or what?
grr

nvm
so we continued touring and we got really exhausted.
decided to leave as we're hungry.
long john cravinggggggggg

walk to the bus interchange and bused to IMM
found the long john.
(:
happy us.

after eating,
i randomly mentioned that i want to eat "shan zha"
i don't know what is it called in english.
but it's this reddish thing,
and i really loved to eat it since young.

however,
i was too lazy to peel the wrapper.
too troublesome.
dee decided to buy it for me and peel the wrapper for me.
so that i won't have to do it myself
(:
he then bought this small little tupperware to put everything in.
so that i can still eat it even without him around.
i was so touched
(:



we then trained home.
happy happy day.
(:


pardon us,
we're quite not-photogenic today.

alright
school's tomorrow
i'm totally not looking forward to it.
school suck

have you ever felt that today is a,

"i need a hug day"

but yet,

you realise that the person that you need the hug from,

is the person who you do not wish to talk to/ see at the moment?

Friday

school in the morning,

FM lesson.

during the lesson,

we realised that we have done alot of things wrongly for project

crappppp

after that was lunch with the girls,

ice-cream with chantel

went to the underpass to study for our test at 3 pm

after that,

we started to discuss our plans for someones' birthday

was being all excited and stuff

and all the plans of hiding here and there

to our dismay,

the whole thing has to be called off

because the birthday girl was off somewhere else

:/

oh well

had the test

i hope i pass!

after school,

homed for a while,

then went out to get my hair highlighted.

i like it

(:

was being all excited about meeting friends in vivo

even bought something for someone

yet when i was on the train,

i was told to go home

just because i can't stay out too late for some reasons.

fine.

alighted at aljunied mrt station

took the other train back to bedok.

decided against taking it back to tamp cos it's far too bloody stupid to take the train at tamp and alight and tamp for nothing.

dumped the thing i bought for that someone

i felt that the dustbin deserves it more.

on the verge of tears.

disappointment is not the word.

perhaps it's angry or upset?

but i just figured out

it's HURT.

i can't believe i'm making a trip to vivo for nothing

but yet,

halfway there i'm already told to go home.

i hate this

i hate it when people don't regard me as someone.

they regard me as something.

i hate it.

why do my efforts always seem to go unappreciated?

why?

i hate this feeling.

i hate to be treated like shit.

i hate to feel like a fool

i hate it when i'm happy for something,

yet,

it's brushed away.

as if as i don't even matter at all.

fuck it okay.

i don't bother.

tan jin may my angel called

thank you so much for that call.

if it wasn't for that,

i would have died from bursting with emotions

don't act like you care when you don't

tags replied

may: updated! (: miss you!

hui hui : hey! you're the bestest attachment partner ever. LOVES!

aroon: yea! losers they are. you should rent the show! (:

xiangluan: haha!omg. you found my blog. stalk me is it? :P

sighssss

idk why am i here when my brain cells are all dead already.

i've been up with FM project since 7pm just now.

really tiring.

but at least i've completed quite a number of things.

and i feel proud of myself.

oh yes.

i went to school yesterday just for project work.

after that was dinner with tiffany laopo.

we ate at burger king,

then this China lady was there with her daughter.

her daughter was really young.

like 5 years old.

so the lady just sat there,

don't know doing what,

then her daughter ran up to me and took my french fry.

she then ran around the whole BK and starting taking people's food.

the mother just sit there.

-.-

speechless.

okay.

going off to bed now.

bye.

i miss my boyfriend ):