borrow, return, take double.

this is going to be an unpleasant post.
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seriously wtf la.
you as an adult,
you should know your bloody responsibilities.
it's alright if you don't contribute.
just don't be such a scumbag.
i've said it before,
i love you,
but i don't bloody respect you.
your presence caused us heaps of inconvenience.
but we can't do anything about it.
i don't hate you.
i can't do it.
so stop taking advantage of that fact to get your way around.
i can't be like tingy.
i can't do what she did.
never before in my life have i seen her behaving the way she did today.
don't you think it's a cause for concern?
the way she ignored you,
the face she displayed throughout.
doesn't it ring a bell?
shouldn't you just start reflecting on what you're doing?
why is your skin so thick?
and why can't i inherite your genes of being thick skinned?
so that i can counter your thick skin-ness.
why oh why must i have mum's genes of being soft hearted?
why, damn it.
why?
i can't even eat a damn meal in peace.
imagine that.
tingy and i can't even go down to coffeeshop and eat together.
imagine that.
seriously what kind of nonsense is this.
mummy is no longer your wife.
you shouldn't even be staying with us.
i hate it when people come and tell me how bloody fortunate i am to be staying with my parents.
fuck off okay.
it's totally not that way.
you people just don't understand.
so stop pretending and acting like you do.
and stop saying that we, as children, should not be affected over adult's problems.
just shut the fuck up.
so what if you're my auntys or uncles and you're trying to be encouraging?
fuck off.
you're totally not helping at all.
you don't even know what's happening.
you don't even know what's that pest doing to tingy and i.
even my mum doesn't know.
so seriously,
keep your comments to yourself.
because you only make me so horribly mad that i wanna rip your skin off your face.
it's really a disgrace to even talk about this.
i find it hard to even confide in my closest friends.
it's too embarrassing to even tell anyone about it in detail.
bottling this up is killing me.
i really feel miserable.
to think that i have to learn how to handle different kinds of family situations on my own.
screw it.
i can't even help myself.
the school should teach us how to help ourselves first.
or perhaps,
to qualify as an early childhood educator,
you need to have a good family background.
it's true.
otherwise kids will just suffer.
i wanted to talk to someone so badly just now.
but now,
i don't even feel like talking to anyone.
because,
nobody is ever going to understand.
friends around can only encourage.
they can only give advice.
but in the end,
it's not easy to even carry out the advices.
i hope tingy is awake now.
because if she is,
she'll be the best person to console me now.
i doubt she'll even cry with me.
today's incident made me realise that she's no longer that small little sister i always thought she was.
i'm wrong.
she's all grown up now.
she's even tougher than me in terms of emotions.
to all who even bother to read this,
please, for goodness sake.
don't jump into conclusions.
don't give any redundant comments either.
and most importantly,
don't even try to act like you understand and know what's happening when you don't.